Way to Success - Quick and Easy

What's the secret to success? Hard work, dedication to excellence and an unflappable will. And it's true -- all those days and years of chasing your dream job will eventually get you there. But doesn't all that sound a little, you know, unpleasant? There, there -- you're not alone. The lust for success in business without all that distasteful work has been with man since the beginning of time. Many have walked this road before you (we have), and we're willing to share our knowledge.
For each entry, we've included a breakdown of how much energy it will take to avoid proper work, just as a disclaimer on our part that not doing your job is work in its own right. But think about it: Would you rather be preparing a report or thinking of awesome names for the boat you'll own someday soon? Thought so.
Any one of the tips that follows will help you avoid work and be more successful at the same time. And if you put them all together, you've got some easy-to-follow steps to a promotion. At that point, you'll be able to fake things well enough to collect a giant pension and get out. If you're looking to get on the fast track without all the sweat that comes from staying ahead of the pack, read on for our tips to climb your way to the top with the help of an escalator.

Dress Super Nice

Nothing sends the message that you're a put-together business type like dressing professionally. The fact is, appearance matters and putting some effort into your workplace wardrobecan pay off big. While there's plenty of advice on how to dress professionally, we suggest going all in and wearing a tux -- there’s nothing classier. They say to dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Well, who wears a tux? That's right: spies.

Energy Expended: Minimal. Unless you work from home you need to wear something to work, so it might as well be something nice.

Get Vanity Plates

You know what says winner? Vanity plates, man. Especially if they actually say “WINNER.” Some of our favorites: “Driven,” “Hrd Work” and “Magnum”.

Energy Expended: None. Though you'll expend quite a bit fighting off the ladies. Aw, yeah.

Learn Business Quotes And Buzzwords

Never underestimate the impact of a well-timed quote. Likewise, a healthy supply of buzzwords can help you appear competent without actually saying anything of substance. Silence is often the best answer, but you will need to weigh in on serious issues from time to time. Be ready with either an insightful business quote or a shock-and-awe display of industry buzzwords that will impress anyone with earshot. Here are two to get you started: “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail” and “If we always agree, one of us is unnecessary.”

Energy Expended: Minimal. A few quick Google searches will get you what you need, or you can sign up for one of those “quote of the day” mailing lists.

Use Props When You Leave The Office

Going to go run a personal errand on company time? Don't just walk to your car empty-handed. Make it look like you're on company business when you leave. Ideal props include big report-sized envelopes, something boxed up and ready to be “dropped off at the UPS store,” and one of those big tubes that posters and signs come in. Even if it’s holding your golf clubs, people will still think you’re going to the print shop to get that presentation laminated. Of course, you can just as easily keep your clubs in your trunk, but with no danger, there’s no fun in avoiding work.

Energy Expended: Minimal. Pick up a nice prop when you see one and save it for a rainy day. Just be sure to change it up from time to time so people don't catch on.

Make Thursday Night Date Night With Your Boss

Getting sucking-up time with your boss will make everything about your job easier, including your relationship with him. Discover what you can about him, then show a common interest. You're both huge fans of the same sports team? What are the odds?

Spend time weekly doing something after work -- grabbing a beer down at the corner and watching the game, or leaving early to hit the links. Just be sure to match your boss drink for drink: He needs to know you're a real man.

Energy Expended: High. You still need to follow good workplace etiquette during your outings, so you can't fully relax. But you'll be doing activities you hopefully enjoy, so that helps.

Send Emails At Crazy Times

Can you log in to your work email from home? Perfect. Take to replying to emails at times when you could conceivably still be in the office. Replies sent at 6 or 6:30 pm send the message that you consistently stay late to get the job done. Occasionally, send replies at just insane times: 1a.m., 3 p.m., on Sunday, and so forth. Just don't overdo it or you'll risk looking like a maniac or worse… being found out.

Energy Expended: Moderate. Being able to employ this tactic from your couch makes it bearable.

Date Somebody's Daughter

For those who work in a family-owned business, dating or marrying the owner's daughter has been a time-honored way to become essentially unfireable. In addition, you can count on getting every holiday off to be with family. But even if you don't work in a small business, this tactic can work for you. Conquer the corporate world by dating the daughter of an executive, your congressman or foreign royalty (there are hot princesses out there, you know).

Energy Expended: Varies with how good you are with the ladies. Have you considered vanity plates?

Keep Your Wastebasket Full

A full wastebasket absolutely screams productivity. Discard the old and forge ahead with the new! Keep a full basket and only ever empty the top third, so what's on top keeps changing. Ideally, you want an impressive-looking report on top. Spreadsheets and graphs are a plus here. And it should go without saying, but make sure it's full of work. You're not impressing anyone with how many tacos you had for lunch.

Energy Expended: Moderate. You'll be emptying your wastebasket more often and shuffling items around to keep impressive stuff on top.

Get To Work Five Minutes Before Your Boss And Leave Five Minutes After

Short of putting a hand on the hood to feel if the engine's hot, there's no way people can tell how long your car has been in the lot, and even then there’s no exact science. Your car's either “there” or “not there.” You only have to beat people to work by a couple minutes to give the impression you came in early. The same goes for leaving at night.

Energy Expended: Moderate. You're spending more time at work, which is distasteful.

Outsource Your Work

No matter how much you slip and slide your way to the top, the time will still come when there exists some actual bona-fide pressure to get the job done. It's times like these that you need a support network with which to “share” the wealth -- if wealth means work, that is. Don’t be afraid to look outside your company for help getting those reports done. Sure, payment of one sort or another will be necessary, but think of your huge salary and how small a price to pay it is in order to keep getting that biweekly check coming. It amounts to simple cost-benefit analysis, really. On one hand, your movie-going budget might take a hit. On the other, you can always stream some off the net with all your extra free time at the office.

Energy Expended: High. The initial search for the right people might seem like actual human-resources work at the start, but rest assured that it will pay for itself many times over once your network is up and running.

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Be Chinese when Eat Chinese

Chinese dining traditions have as long a history as the history of Chinese Cooking or Chinese Food. The Chinese people pride themselves on being one of the earliest peoples to develop sophisticated notions of polite social interaction, including highly sophisticated rules of etiquette governing acceptable table manners.

Since wining and dining guests is an old and esteemed tradition in China, it is not surprising that Chinese society has developed an intricate set of rules to govern also this delicate aspect of social interaction.

Chinese dining etiquette, whether it applies to receiving only a few guests at a single table in one’s home or to holding a public banquet involving dozens of guests seated at several tables, varies with the character and purpose of the dinner. It also differs slightly from region to region in China. China’s banquet etiquette is said to have originated from the Etiquette and Ceremonials, a work believed to have been penned by the Duke of Zhou during the Zhou Dynasty (BC 1027 – 221), though no independent mention of the book exists until the beginning of the Han Dynasty (BC 206 to AD 220).

Through thousands of years of evolution, Chinese dining etiquette has continued to develop, albeit always with one foot in the traditions of the past.

The main difference between Chinese and Western eating habits are that unlike the West, where everyone has their own plate of food, in China the dishes are placed on the table and everybody shares. If you are being treated by a Chinese host, be prepared for a ton of food. Chinese are very proud of their culture of cuisine and will do their best to show their hospitality.

Here are some tips about Chinese Dining Etiquettes.

Reception Formalities

• Guests should present themselves to the host upon arrival. This is important since it is the host who determines the seating arrangement, and in order to do this properly, the host needs to know who among the invited guests actually arrived.
• If one is more or less a stranger to the other guests and needs introducing, the host will generally take care of this, either personally, or by delegating this function to an appointed person.
• Be punctual – it is rude in Chinese society to arrive late. It shows disrespect to the host, one should not keep the host waiting.
• One may bring a small gift if one is a low-ranking guest (a stranger or a near-stranger, a distant relative, etc.) while one brings a finer gift such as a bottle of quality wine if one is a higher-ranking guest.
• The elderly or guest(s) of honour are usually the first to start the meal.
• The youngest or least senior may serve the eldest or most senior first, as part of the Confucian value of respecting seniors.
• The youngest on the table addresses all of the elder members at the table before starting, perhaps telling them to please “eat rice” as a signal to help themselves.
• The best food in a dish should be left to the elderly, children, or the guest of honour.
• When the hostess says her food is not good enough, the guest must disagree and tell her it is one of the finest foods they have ever tasted.

The First Toast and the Signal to Dine

Usually, the guest of honour start by taking the first drink or by proposing the first toast, just as it is the guest of honour who is the first to begin eating. As to the mechanics of the first toast, the guest of honour raises his glass first, then the first “row”, the second “row”, etc., down the line as each “row” raises its glasses until the last “row” is reached, whereupon everyone drinks at the same time, possibly to a special toast.

Generally, the guest of honour will invite everyone to commence eating with words to the effect of “Shall we dine?” This gesture of politeness serves as a signal to the other guests that they may then commence dining. It is unforgivably rude to commence eating before the guest of honour has begun to eat, so although the guest of honour invites the assembled guests to begin dining, no one does so until the guest of honour has taken the first bite.

During the dinner, you also have some tips to attention:

Chopstick Usage

• Chopsticks should always be held correctly, i.e. between the thumb and first two fingers of the right hand.
• When not in use, chopsticks must always be placed neatly on the table with two sticks lying tidily next to each other at both ends. Failure to do so is evocative of the way the dead would be placed in a coffin before the funeral.
• Never point the chopsticks at another person. This amounts to insulting that person.
• Never wave your chopsticks around as if they were an extension of your hand gestures.
• Never bang chopsticks like drumsticks. This is akin to telling others at the table you are a beggar.
• Never use chopsticks to move bowls or plates.
• Never suck the chopsticks.
• Decide what to pick up before reaching with chopsticks, instead of hovering them over or rummaging through dishes.
• To keep chopsticks off the table, they can be rested horizontally on one’s plate or bowl; a chopstick rest (commonly found in restaurants) can also be used.
• When picking up a piece of food, never use the tips of your chopsticks to poke through the food as with a fork; exceptions include tearing apart larger items such as vegetables.
• Never stab chopsticks vertically into a bowl of rice, as this resembles incense sticks used at temples to pay respects to the deceased.

Eating

• Pick the food on the dish that is at the top and nearest to you in distance. Never rummage through the dish or pick from the far side for your favourite food.
• In general, more conservative Chinese frown upon the practice of picking more than one or two bites of food in your bowl or serving plate as if you were eating in the Western way.
• If both a serving bowl – separate from rice bowl – and plate are provided, never put any food items to be eaten onto the serving plate. This rule may be relaxed for foreigners.
• If a dish is soupy, pull the serving bowl near the serving dish and reduce the distance the chopsticks need carrying the food. Spilling plenty of sauce on the table is a major faux pas.
• When eating food that contains bones, it is customary that the bones be spat out onto the table to the right of the dining plate in a neat pile. Spitting onto the floor is almost never acceptable.
• Talking with a full mouth, eating with the elbows on the table and tasting from a table guest’s plate is also not allowed

Drinks

There are several kinds of drinks at a Chinese table such as wine, alcohol, but more tea is a more common drink.

• The host should always make sure everyone’s cups are not empty for long. One should not pour for oneself, it’s be good to offer to pour drink for the person sitting next to you and he/she will in turn pour drink for you.
• Make sure the spout of the teapot is not facing anyone; it is impolite to set the teapot down where the spout is facing towards somebody. The spout should always be directed to where nobody is sitting, usually just outward from the table.
• When people wish to clink drinks together in the form of a cheer, it is important to observe that younger members should clink the rim of their glass below the rim of an elder’s to show respect.

Strong alcohol, called baijiu, is often served throughout the meal; and it is customary for the host[s]/hostess[es] to insist that guests drink to “show friendship.”

If the guests prefer not to drink, they may say, “I’m unable to drink, but thank you.” [in Mandarin: "Wo bu neng he jiu, xie xie." ]The host may continue to insist that the guests drink, and the guests may likewise continue to insist upon being “unable” to drink.

The host’s insistence is to show generosity. Therefore, refusal by the guests should be made with utmost politeness. Beware: If a guest drinks alcohol with a subordinate at the table, the guest will be expected [if not forced] to drink a glass of the same alcohol with each superior at that table, and possibly at other tables too—if the guest has not passed out yet.

Vocabulary

礼仪                  lǐ yí                      etiquette

筷子                 kuài zī                   chopstick

功能                 gōng néng             Function

举杯祝酒        jǘ bēi zhù jiǔ            Toasting

客人                kè rén                     Guest

慷慨                kāng kǎi                 Generosity

好客                hào kè                    Hospitality

READ ALSO : Eat BRUNCH

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