For each entry, we've included a breakdown of how much energy it will take to avoid proper work, just as a disclaimer on our part that not doing your job is work in its own right. But think about it: Would you rather be preparing a report or thinking of awesome names for the boat you'll own someday soon? Thought so.
Any one of the tips that follows will help you avoid work and be more successful at the same time. And if you put them all together, you've got some easy-to-follow steps to a promotion. At that point, you'll be able to fake things well enough to collect a giant pension and get out. If you're looking to get on the fast track without all the sweat that comes from staying ahead of the pack, read on for our tips to climb your way to the top with the help of an escalator.
Nothing sends the message that you're a put-together business type like dressing professionally. The fact is, appearance matters and putting some effort into your workplace wardrobecan pay off big. While there's plenty of advice on how to dress professionally, we suggest going all in and wearing a tux -- there’s nothing classier. They say to dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Well, who wears a tux? That's right: spies.
Energy Expended: Minimal. Unless you work from home you need to wear something to work, so it might as well be something nice.
Energy Expended: Minimal. Unless you work from home you need to wear something to work, so it might as well be something nice.
You know what says winner? Vanity plates, man. Especially if they actually say “WINNER.” Some of our favorites: “Driven,” “Hrd Work” and “Magnum”.
Energy Expended: None. Though you'll expend quite a bit fighting off the ladies. Aw, yeah.
Never underestimate the impact of a well-timed quote. Likewise, a healthy supply of buzzwords can help you appear competent without actually saying anything of substance. Silence is often the best answer, but you will need to weigh in on serious issues from time to time. Be ready with either an insightful business quote or a shock-and-awe display of industry buzzwords that will impress anyone with earshot. Here are two to get you started: “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail” and “If we always agree, one of us is unnecessary.”
Energy Expended: Minimal. A few quick Google searches will get you what you need, or you can sign up for one of those “quote of the day” mailing lists.
Going to go run a personal errand on company time? Don't just walk to your car empty-handed. Make it look like you're on company business when you leave. Ideal props include big report-sized envelopes, something boxed up and ready to be “dropped off at the UPS store,” and one of those big tubes that posters and signs come in. Even if it’s holding your golf clubs, people will still think you’re going to the print shop to get that presentation laminated. Of course, you can just as easily keep your clubs in your trunk, but with no danger, there’s no fun in avoiding work.
Energy Expended: Minimal. Pick up a nice prop when you see one and save it for a rainy day. Just be sure to change it up from time to time so people don't catch on.
Getting sucking-up time with your boss will make everything about your job easier, including your relationship with him. Discover what you can about him, then show a common interest. You're both huge fans of the same sports team? What are the odds?
Spend time weekly doing something after work -- grabbing a beer down at the corner and watching the game, or leaving early to hit the links. Just be sure to match your boss drink for drink: He needs to know you're a real man.
Energy Expended: High. You still need to follow good workplace etiquette during your outings, so you can't fully relax. But you'll be doing activities you hopefully enjoy, so that helps.
Spend time weekly doing something after work -- grabbing a beer down at the corner and watching the game, or leaving early to hit the links. Just be sure to match your boss drink for drink: He needs to know you're a real man.
Energy Expended: High. You still need to follow good workplace etiquette during your outings, so you can't fully relax. But you'll be doing activities you hopefully enjoy, so that helps.
Can you log in to your work email from home? Perfect. Take to replying to emails at times when you could conceivably still be in the office. Replies sent at 6 or 6:30 pm send the message that you consistently stay late to get the job done. Occasionally, send replies at just insane times: 1a.m., 3 p.m., on Sunday, and so forth. Just don't overdo it or you'll risk looking like a maniac or worse… being found out.
Energy Expended: Moderate. Being able to employ this tactic from your couch makes it bearable.
Energy Expended: Moderate. Being able to employ this tactic from your couch makes it bearable.
Date Somebody's Daughter
For those who work in a family-owned business, dating or marrying the owner's daughter has been a time-honored way to become essentially unfireable. In addition, you can count on getting every holiday off to be with family. But even if you don't work in a small business, this tactic can work for you. Conquer the corporate world by dating the daughter of an executive, your congressman or foreign royalty (there are hot princesses out there, you know).
Energy Expended: Varies with how good you are with the ladies. Have you considered vanity plates?
Energy Expended: Varies with how good you are with the ladies. Have you considered vanity plates?
A full wastebasket absolutely screams productivity. Discard the old and forge ahead with the new! Keep a full basket and only ever empty the top third, so what's on top keeps changing. Ideally, you want an impressive-looking report on top. Spreadsheets and graphs are a plus here. And it should go without saying, but make sure it's full of work. You're not impressing anyone with how many tacos you had for lunch.
Energy Expended: Moderate. You'll be emptying your wastebasket more often and shuffling items around to keep impressive stuff on top.
Energy Expended: Moderate. You'll be emptying your wastebasket more often and shuffling items around to keep impressive stuff on top.
Get To Work Five Minutes Before Your Boss And Leave Five Minutes After
Short of putting a hand on the hood to feel if the engine's hot, there's no way people can tell how long your car has been in the lot, and even then there’s no exact science. Your car's either “there” or “not there.” You only have to beat people to work by a couple minutes to give the impression you came in early. The same goes for leaving at night.
Energy Expended: Moderate. You're spending more time at work, which is distasteful.
Energy Expended: Moderate. You're spending more time at work, which is distasteful.
Outsource Your Work
No matter how much you slip and slide your way to the top, the time will still come when there exists some actual bona-fide pressure to get the job done. It's times like these that you need a support network with which to “share” the wealth -- if wealth means work, that is. Don’t be afraid to look outside your company for help getting those reports done. Sure, payment of one sort or another will be necessary, but think of your huge salary and how small a price to pay it is in order to keep getting that biweekly check coming. It amounts to simple cost-benefit analysis, really. On one hand, your movie-going budget might take a hit. On the other, you can always stream some off the net with all your extra free time at the office.
Energy Expended: High. The initial search for the right people might seem like actual human-resources work at the start, but rest assured that it will pay for itself many times over once your network is up and running.
Energy Expended: High. The initial search for the right people might seem like actual human-resources work at the start, but rest assured that it will pay for itself many times over once your network is up and running.
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