Condoms in Isle 12
This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms.
The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.
The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".
So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.
The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"
So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action.
So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"
So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .
When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12"
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The Haunted House
One stormy night an English, Irish and Scottish man were walking home and had no shelter so at the top of this big hill they found this haunted house.
They were all freaked out and hesitated to go in.
Eventually, the English man went in and found a five pound note sitting on the table and he goes to lift it when all of a sudden the ghost of Mickey Mouse appears and says "I'm the ghost of Mickey Mouse lift that fiver and I'll haunt your house"
Next the Scottish man went in and saw the fiver, but before he could lift it the ghost of Mickey Mouse appeared again and said "I'm the ghost of Mickey Mouse lift that fiver and I'll haunt your house".
Finally, the Irishman went in and lifted the fiver and Mickey Mouse popped out again and said "I'm the ghost of Mickey mouse lift that fiver and I'll haunt your house"
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Three Men in Hell
Three men went to hell.
The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"
He then opened the doors to the three rooms.
Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.
Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.
Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee.
The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.
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Wee Hughies Boiled Ham
Wee Hughie was dying.
Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked, "Anything I can get you, Hughie?"
"No" He replied.
"You must have a last wish, Hughie?" asked his wife.
Faintly, came the answer. . . "A wee bit of of that boiled ham over yonder would be nice"
"Ach, man... you can't have that" said Maggie, "You know it's for the your funeral".
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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
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A Dustbinmans Christmas Bonus
3 Dustbin Men, the driver and two other men, are going on their rounds asking for christmas bonuses which they do yearly.
They stop at the first house and one man runs in and a women gives him £5. They move on to another house and a bloke gives him £6.
When their finished she says "go and get your driver and send him in for his bonus", off he goes and says to the driver- "driver its your turn now, go on my son its one hell of a christmas bonus" so of he goes. He steps in the door very excited and instead of taking him upstairs she takes reaches for her purse and pulls out £5 and gives it to him. He says "what the hell is this, you give my two friends the time of their life and you give me this?!"
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A cucumber, a Penis and an Olive
A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.
The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."
The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"
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The Damned Egg
A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other.
The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.
The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.
The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"
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The Growler
A Scotsman is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.
The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my growler?" "Yes, I'm sorry, " says the Scotsman and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the growler blows him a kiss.
Wee Hughie, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the growler can do.
"I can also make it wink, " says the woman.
The Scotsman stares in amazement as the growler winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.
The Scotsman moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
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