Don't listen to Mick Jagger. We actually can get some satisfaction and, when it comes to sex, maybe a lot. How? Judy Dutton, author of How We Do It: How the Science of Sex Can Make You a Better Lover, interviewed a slew of sex researchers, analyzed studies, and talked to average people about what turns them on. She shares some scientifically based tips to put some sizzle back in your relationship.
Forget the dinner and movie. Instead, Dutton suggests sign up for dancing lessons together. Two left feet? Try cooking class. Opt for any type of activity that engages your mind as well as your body. Researchers at Stony Brook University in New York found that brain scans of couples who were madly in love after two decades of marriage had the same neural activity as those couples who recently fell in love. Scientists believe that long-married couples who show this kind of brain activity release dopamine, a feel good brain chemical that is in abundance when we first fall in love. How do they keep love alive? One way to up their dopamine levels is to do novel things as a couple. “Learning something new together is basically like tricking your brain into falling in love all over again,” says Dutton. Ideally, she says couples should plan some type of challenging date at least one evening a week. (For those of us who live in a world crowded with deadlines, lunch boxes and babysitters, an adventurous date once a month could be a worthy goal.)
If you're waiting for the perfect moment for good lovin', know this: it may be trickier for women to figure out when the time is right. Researchers studying male and female arousal found that women get physically aroused as rapidly as men when they viewed sexually explicit material. Psychologically, though, it was another story. While men reported that the videos made them horny, women rated some pictures as "not arousing," despite the fact that they'd experienced increased vaginal blood flow when viewing explicit images. “There obviously is a disconnect between body response and mind response,” says Dutton. Of course, no one should feel coerced into sex. But if you're on the fence, try a little tenderness. Sometimes making love makes you feel like making love. “It’s kind of like going to the gym,” says Dutton. “A lot of times you don’t want to go, but when you do, you’re happy you did it. The same thing goes for sex.” And you don't need to pay a monthly membership.
Studies show that women are most attractive to men and feel their sexiest when they are ovulating–generally about 14 days after the start of a menstrual cycle. For many women, that’s when the sex drive is highest. According to Dutton, some research shows that women unconsciously dress more provocatively during ovulation. And you can pass this scientific tidbit on to your boyfriend: Studies show that women are twice as likely to have an orgasm when ovulating. “It’s purely a timing issue, not necessarily technique,” says Dutton. Of course, you don't have to tell him that. Just smile.
Researchers found that more variety in bed means more orgasms. One study found that among women who engaged in a “no frills” type of sexual intercourse with their partners only about 50 percent had an orgasm. But if the couples did three activities in bed—intercourse, manual stimulation and oral stimulation, for example—the women were about twice as likely to be orgasmic than those in the “no frills” group. Doing more in bed also changes the quality of your orgasm. Instead of just having the clitoris stimulated to induce a clitoral orgasm, women will have "blended" orgasms, meaning many different nerve pathways are aroused, including the vagina, clitoris, and cervix. And researchers say “blended” orgasms are definitely the more toe-curling variety. Trying to think of different things to do? You can make love like a rock star (think baby oil and a shower). Or like a librarian. Researchers have documented women becoming orgasmic from having their hands or eyebrows rubbed, or even by just thinking of an orgasm, says Dutton.
We've all heard about the “G spot,” that sure-to-arouse zone in the vagina that's as tricky to locate as the Yeti. Other cultures have identified some new hot spots that are believed to be equally as sensitive. In the 1980s, a Malaysian sexologist discovered the anterior fornix erogenous zone, or "A spot." According to the paper he published in the journal Sexual and Marital Therapy, women who have their A spots stimulated, become lubricated in five to 10 seconds and orgasm in one to two minutes. (The “A” spot is in the belly-side of the vagina, two to three inches in.) Researchers in the United Kingdom discovered the “U spot," a tiny bit of tissue surrounding the urethral opening. It seems that women who orgasm during intercourse actually do so because their "U spots" are being stimulated, according to a report in the journal Experimental and Clinical Endocrinology & Diabetes. Happy hunting.
Dutton believes one of the most important things to remember is the “2-6-2” rule. Studies show that about every 10 times you have sex, two of those times on average will be wonderful, six of those times will be adequate, and two of those times will be less than stellar. “I think it’s most important to enjoy the relationship you have and then work together to see how you can improve it," says Dutton. Stop comparing. "No one is having great sex all the time, but we believe everyone is having better sex than we are." According to the 2-6-2 rule, less than stellar sex with someone you love means that wonderful sex is just around the corner. And with these tips, getting there is going to be a lot of fun.
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